Online Dating Safety
At 50-something and being back on the dating scene, I am reminded of the reasons I liked being married. And on top of that, we are in a Pandemic.
Well, you know what they say, all work and no play…..so I went for it.
I first looked at this unprecedented period of a Pandemic as a safety net. Guys probably would not be so excited about meeting in person too soon, which would be helpful in allowing more time to vetting them. And no touching, don’t want to spread the virus, so keeping a safe distance should be easier, right?
Well…..no.
Unfortunately, dropping my guard is not an option and staying safe has got to be intentional. Below, I will share some tips that will serve us all well, while getting back out there and finding Mr. Right.
I have been using dating apps. One I paid for and the other I did not. So let’s start there.
Take it slow. Keep the chat on the site for as long as you want. I had guys want to rush and exchange phone numbers or use another messaging app. I was told it would be “easier.” It wasn’t. It would have been just as easy to exchange messages and get familiar with each other on the dating site as it was anywhere else.
ALWAYS follow your instinct! If you are communicating and feel something is just not right or have that icky feeling, or there is something not adding up, just can’t put your finger on it feeling, then this may not be the guy worth pursuing.
Do not share too much personal information. Vulnerability has its place, it is not here though.
Discuss interests, adventures, goals, dreams but be careful not to go into too much detail about where you live, your children’s lives, where you work and hang out.
So, he has passed the virtual phase and you are going to meet. But before you do:
DO YOUR HOMEWORK! There are more tools available than ever to check out someone’s story. Check as many social media accounts possible, as well as, LinkedIn and even google his name. Be a detective. Get a sense of this person’s values, does what you discuss line up with what he is posting, are there any flags that tell me meeting this person may not be a safe option?
Again, listen to your instincts. Are you feeling apprehension? Yes, this feeling is different from being nervous, though it may be difficult to discern one from the other but will get easier as you practice being mindful more.
Leave his full name, a picture, social media links with SOMEONE! Let that person know where you are going and what time you are meeting. Establish a “safe word” with your friend in case you need help.
Download the 360 App onto your phone so your loved ones or at least your contact person know where you are at all times.
Take separate vehicles and meet at your chosen location.
You have the right to end the date whenever you want. At ANYTIME during your date, if you feel unsafe, it is acceptable, even encouraged to end the date and leave. Just be mindful and careful. DO NOT LEAVE ALONE if you feel in any way uncomfortable doing that.
The main message I want to convey is SAFETY FIRST, listen to your instincts. Not sure what those are? Read my blog on How to Listen to your Instincts. In a nutshell, it is that feeling you get when something strikes you as not being right, not adding up. You may not even be able to put your finger on exactly why, you just know you “have a feeling” These feelings are always right!
My first dating experience after my divorce inspired me to write this. I was communicating with this man and he was in a rush to exchange phone numbers and from the get-go wanted me to go to his house (NEVER give them the “home court advantage”). Because of my training, that was not an option and I conveyed this to him, but this person would continuously bring up coming to his lake house on the weekend or going back to his house after our first date. I was feeling uncomfortable, but thought it was just nerves. On our date, we went to a fancy restaurant where he ordered an expensive bottle of wine and we talked about our interests. He suggested we go back to his place after dinner because “nothing was open due to COVID”. I told him that was not an option (again) and if that were the case, then we would have to call it a night then. I went to the lady’s room and behold, he found a place that was open. We went to a bar his friend bartended at, in our separate vehicles. We ordered a drink and talked and the final straw was broken. My feelings of apprehension were validated. His frustration at not entertaining the idea of join him for a nightcap at his place grew to the point of being completely disrespectful and I ended the date immediately. Thankful my car was right outside, I got in and cried the entire 25-minute ride home. I was angry with myself for discounting all the flags and “shoulder pokes” I felt every time we messaged or talked and the unease felt when with him throughout the night. I was sad I was treated so indifferently. The motive was clear the whole time, I just refused to see it. I truly feel, to this day, if I went back to his house, I would have been putting myself in a very dangerous situation.
Lesson learned? NEVER DROP YOUR GUARD. As your relationship develops, so does trust, based on a person’s actions and words. Let it happen organically. Rushing things and not watching for those cues or listening to your instincts, can mean the difference between being sad and ending a date early to suffering a traumatic assault.
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